I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize