Umm I'm too high to move.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
