I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
