I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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