If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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