What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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