True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
