I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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