i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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