Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
