Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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