You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
