She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
