Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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