things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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