I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
