the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
