i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
