he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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