I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
