The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
