My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
