You really coming over, don't trick.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
