please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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