Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
