tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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