Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
