If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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