Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
