No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
