I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
