i was born a porn star she said
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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