after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
