Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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