Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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