just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize