He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
why is half of my head shaved?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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