I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
