if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
