i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
