:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he had hair everywhere except his balls
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
