Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
