Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
