WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
