I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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