I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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