woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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