It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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