Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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