If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
