Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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