I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
