Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
