even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
