I didn't shave. On purpose
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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