Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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