She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
