ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
