it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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