Just cropdusted the office
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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