Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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