I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You ruined the universe
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
