I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
