tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
